Should I Turn Myself In If The Victim Won’t Press Charges?

I bit my boyfriend while blacked out

I’m 19 and in college with my boyfriend and we drink/party every weekend like most college kids. He is the kindest, most selfless person I have ever known and we have had a smooth relationship of 3 years. I started a high dosage of SSRIs in the fall and have progressively become more prone to blackouts. It’s been very gradual, so I didn’t notice that it was a problem until it was too late. Normally I’d just do normal benign but embarrassing things, but a few months ago I had an absolutely horrible blackout where I lost over 6 hours of time.

The last thing I remember is my boyfriend and I getting into a fight and me leaving in an Uber with my friend to go back to her dorm because I didn’t want to stay with him. Allegedly I was upset and kept and kept taking shots well into the morning. By the time he came to retrieve me, I had passed out for some time and was delirious/ borderline hallucinating when they woke me up. From what I’ve been told, and from the one or two flashes of memory I have, he was repeatedly trying to pick me up and carry me out of the rooms/down the stairs. Apparently I was very adamant about not wanting to be held and not wanting to go with him, and I fought him. I bit his arms and hands in an attempt to free myself, and even his back when he had me in a fireman carry. I left many bie marks on him. He tells me that he didn’t let me go because I kept trying to run from him and he was worried I would get lost, hurt myself, disturb other people, run into the street, etc.

When i was sober and learned what I had done, I couldn’t eat, sleep, or leave my room for days. I’ve apologized to him countless times, and he forgave me instantly because he believes that it truly was an-out-of body, delusional experience brought on by basically overdosing on the alcohol and mixing it with my meds. I’ve even tried to break up with him multiple times for fear that I’m somehow trapping him or he has Stockholm syndrome and is too scared to do it himself. He has gotten mad every time I’ve brought the notion up and says that he knows his limits and that he would actually be upset if I broke up with him instead of working it out and growing together like he wants. I am so lucky that he is so patient and forgiving.

I feel like I’m trapped in a living hell. Of my own doing as well, so I’m scared to even ask for help because I don’t deserve it. I haven’t eaten enough in months and every time I feel even an ounce of happiness or calm my mind just immediately jumps back to what I did and how undeserving of anything other than mental torment I am. I can’t picture any future for myself where even if I’m somehow mother Theresa until I die that I won’t be plagued and defined by this. If there was a hell I belong there. I love my boyfriend more than anything on this planet and I am scared that I have somehow manipulated him into believing my actions were okay.

I’ve had experience with obsessive OCD and this feels similar but it is just unbearable and so hard to distinguish because this time I actually did do the thing. I am an evil abuser and not a second goes by where I don’t feel like I deserve to die. I’ve spent hours reading about female domestic abusers. I’m constantly debating turning myself into the police even though he doesn’t want me to and I’m scared to tell anyone other than my parents in case they confirm my fears. I’m scared if I see a therapist they will have me arrested immediately.

I have been making plans to then myself in, but before I do I just want to ask if there’s any way I could actually make his life worse in doing so. Would anything come of it if he’s adamant on not pressing charges? Literally any advice or help or similar events would be so appreciated. I just need help so bad