Sticky Custody Situation, I Don’t Know What I’m Legally Allowed To Do

Throw away account, just in case. But this is a very unique situation so if the other party ever sees this, they’ll know it’s them…[for reference my ex and I are both in our early 20’s and this all takes place in Virginia] I (F) was with my ex (M, well call him Tom) for about 5 years, we were married for the last 2 years of it. We had a daughter together before we got married as well. We separated back in fall of 2023, my choice for many reasons including I was tired of parenting a 20 something year old, we lived in his family’s home and with years of manipulating I became totally isolated, I was a stay at home parent and had little to no access to finances, and by the end of it his anger issues got the best of him and he became violent and physically abusive towards me and our daughter. I left for our own safety and to gain back some of my independence again. I’ve posted that story on Reddit as well in more detail, on a separate account.

Toms current living situation involves him, he maternal grandfather, maternal grandmother (both in their 70’s), and first cousin (M, preteen aged, well call him George ). They all live in a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom and they’re all living their full time. Tom’s sister lives two doors down with her husband and four sons.

George’s parents have their own living situation, it’s his mom, his dad, his sister, and his brother, and they live in a motel room that is setup like a hotel room that would have two queen beds and maybe a small living area in the same room. They don’t keep George bc they don’t care to parent his ASD and have pushed the responsibility onto the grandparents, but not legal guardianship or anything like that, so that the parents can still benefit from him on tax returns or state benefits. George’s dad is a tier 3 sex offender that was convicted for taking indecent liberties with a minor, in the early 2000’s. Unfortunately George, his two siblings, along with Tom’s sisters kids, have all shown signs of learned sexual behaviors, or sexual abuse, or violent and destructive behaviors, but no one takes action bc their family doesn’t want to start drama.

Tom, and his entire maternal family have sexual or violent offenses or histories including the one above, 911 calls for violence within the family, all the way to murder committed by two of his immediate family members. To say the family is insanely unstable and unpredictable is an understatement. So now we’re at today…

Just over a week ago my daughter went to Toms overnight and when she came home she said George had touched her private areas, we have had a talk about how she should always tell me if anyone ever does xyz and she knows who her safe people are etc. I had a throughout conversation with her letting her lead anything that was said and I just asked her to elaborate on things. She knew exactly what she was wanting to tell me and she never strayed from her story or any details. She’s young, but she’s very smart and aware, I trust that she’s telling the truth. She also said her and George share a room, Tom has told me George sleeps on the living room cough whether my kid is there or not but she’s said this many times and has even said there’s 2 beds in her room. She says George also spanks her, yells at her, and hits her, but that her dad just tells him no and that it continues…

I talked to her more than once but after deciding for myself that she’s telling the truth and isn’t mixing her story up, I called CPS. I did also call Tom so he knew what she had said but he said our daughter was lying, it never happened, and showed no concern. I made the report with all the details above, the next day a family member of mine said I should also make a police report so I did. That turned into a second county CPS being sent the report and the police department opening their own investigation. Two days after that I was able to go to the court house and get a preliminary protective order, which was granted.

I have to go back to court this week for the hearing for the protective order. Today I called both CPS’s for updates and they both said they can’t investigate it because the abuse or neglect wasn’t done by the care giver directly, I don’t understand how that makes sense in this situation bc they possibly share a room and her father is ordered by our custody agreement not to leave her with anyone unless I personally agree to it. In the past his family has put my daughter in harms way and I don’t trust that they’re attentive enough to watch her and all the other small children there, especially due to the grandparents ages.

I am currently pursuing a show cause because he’s been late on child support and hasn’t paid the full amount, has left our daughter at home with family while he went to the strip club and got absolutely plastered, George’s dad is also ordered in our custody order to have no contact whatsoever with our daughter and has been at Tom’s house when she’s there. He also neglects to change her diapers before she rashes, doesn’t care to buy underwear despite her potty training currently, doesn’t bathe her properly or at all, doesn’t wash her clothes before returning her back to me. There’s more to that, but that’s the basics of it all.

So now my hands are tied, there’s two court orders. Our custody order, and a protective order. I don’t know which one I legally am meant to uphold to first. George lives at her dads house so she can’t go there without breaking the protective order, but if I refuse to give her to Tom, I may be at fault for breaking the custody order… I called the court to see if an emergency custody order was possible but they said not if I already have a custody order in place. What do I do? I’m still waiting on updates from the investigators and looking for more answers elsewhere, I feel like my hands are tied. She isn’t due to go back to Tom until the dry end of this month or early next month. What should I do?