Dad (84) Is Refusing Healthy Mom’s (86) Request To Return From A Nursing Home. Does She Have Legal Options?

This is in California.

The Short(er) Version

Mom (86), was hospitalized briefly last Christmas due to a freak medication reaction and was transferred to a nursing home to recover. Mom can’t walk unassisted (but can stand on her own), and is healthy enough now to come home, but Dad (84, also healthy) won’t let her and refuses to assist in what minimal care she’ll require there should she return. The nursing home won’t release her under her own recognizance unless she can demonstrate independence in her own care.

Though physically well, Mom, who for decades before rarely spent 48 hours away from home without a family member with her, is getting very depressed and is breaking down psychologically due to this development. She could easily last physically in that facility for years but her mind will crack at this rate

If she were home, she would only need a CNA to change her diaper three times a day, to sponge-bathe her, to prepare food for her, and to help with wheelchair transfers in and out of bed. They can afford to pay for it. Dad, who spends 95% of the day at home anyways, doesn’t want “a parade of strangers” coming into the house daily to help Mom. They have no major marriage issues I’m aware of and Dad has no terminal medical issues that might explain his decision to keep her in there indefinitely.

She’s used to complying to his wishes (but up until now they’ve never been pointed against her). She is very meek, is afraid of him being angry to her, and still greets him at visits like a puppy being happy to see its abusive owner. When she tells him she wants to go home or that she is in psychological pain as a result of being there, he tells her to stop saying that or he’ll stop visiting.

She wants out and has secretly given me (the son) permission to explore her legal options on the down-low. She doesn’t want divorce and the nearest relative who might take her in lives in another state.

Does she have a legal remedy, please ?

The Long Version

Mom (86) was in the hospital last Christmas due to a freak medication accident and has recovered. She had trouble walking unassisted before, and with the exception of that and some incontinence, she wants to come home.

Dad (84) transferred her out of the hospital to a skilled nursing facility when my mom was still pretty out of it. He’s told her that she’ll be staying there indefinitely. (This is to a woman who was been a stay-at-home Mom for several decades, has anxiety issues for which she takes meds, and has never spent more than 48 hours anywhere without a family member nearby.)

My dad, who is in great shape, has enough money to pay to keep her there indefinitely if Medicare ceases coverage. The facility won’t release Mom under her own recognizance because she cannot demonstrate that she can take care of herself (bathroom) unassisted and is in a wheelchair. We’ve seen that she can stand unassisted but the wheelchair transfer to her bed, toilet, car, etc. requires help.

My mom is physically well, but the stress of being in that place these last few months is breaking her psychologically. When she tells my dad that she’s in pain or wants to go home he shuts her down without explanation. She is very much used to him calling the shots in the marriage (63 years this July).

I’ve done a ton of homework on the matter and have shared with Dad that Mom’s needs can easily be met with some part-time home care from an CNA/LVN. She just needs someone to change her diapers, sponge bathe her, and give her her meds.

Dad shoots down every one of my suggestions on how to bring Mom home. Every concern he has expressed about bringing her home is either easily addressable or will require some flexibility on his part. For example, he claims that he’ll need to spend thousands to renovate the bathroom for a wheelchair user; I counter with the fact that as long as Mom requires only diaper changes and sponge baths from a CNA, she need never step foot in a bathroom again. Dad doesn’t want a parade of strangers in the house every day to car for Mom; I counter with the fact that he has a weekly cleaning service come to the house and it doesn’t seem to be a problem for them. I add on that should anything happen to him at home—where he now lives alone—at least Mom will be there to call 911 (as opposed to us finding him days after the fact).

Outside of him having some terminal disease that he’s not telling people about, there absolutely no reason why Mom can’t come home, and I’m now stating to wonder if a lawyer needs to be involved. He can’t just deny her the ability to return home and refuse to participate in her care there as long as Mom’s needs can be easily be accommodated, can he? (He won’t have to lift a finger except let home care help in and out the door.) He just needs to get over having strangers in the house.

Is he breaking the law and committing some kind of psychological abuse or neglect, or is he just a complete asshole? Am I being the asshole for trying to stand up for her? She won’t stand up for herself and I’ve told her that as long as she complies with Dad’s wishes, he has no reason to listen to her needs. She rarely gets any other visitors, and she greets Dad when he visits like the way an puppy still greets its abusive owner because it sees no one else all day.