Some dads see their kids as a sort of captive audience for their shenanigans. Similarly, a lot of men really get up to some trouble before settling down. The result is an ability to annoy, befuddle and surprise their kids in the future. Remember, your parents had entire lives before you were born.

Someone asked people to share the best bit of “dad lore” they have. From hilarious running gags and insidious pranks, to just unhinged “dad humor,” get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to add your own examples in the comments below.

#1

One time my dad waited till my 3 siblings and I had gone to bed on Christmas Eve, then he shouted "I don't care who you are fat man, get that sled off my roof." We were all up and telling Dad not to yell at Santa.

Image credits: Slamslam102

#2

One time my dad's fart smelled so bad my dog threw up.

Image credits: Afoldingchair

#3

One time we went to Universal Studios and my dad took me on The Hulk roller coaster even though he knew it would make him sick. I was afraid of coasters at that point and he sacrificed himself because he knew I would never go on the ride without him. When we got off his face was completely colorless and his stomach was done working correctly for the rest of the day, but I loved the roller coaster.

Image credits: SteveFrench12

#4

One time my dad took my brother's walkie talkie and had us and about 10 kids in the neighborhood convinced that we had picked up a signal from a plane that was crashing towards the Earth. We were running up and down the streets for an hour with our eyes on the sky listening as the "pilot" tried to reach someone for help. Dad's windows were open so we eventually caught on to the heinous laughter echoing between the houses after every mayday.

Image credits: ittakesonetoknowwon

#5

So we were having a family dinner over the summer & my sister had been at a BBQ the day before & the host gave her a big bowl of fruit salad to take home.

We're sitting there having dinner & my dad is staring at the fruit salad with this weird look on his face & he says "What are these little blue things?" While holding up a blueberry.

We were like "how the f**k do you not know what a blueberry is?" Then realized my mom hates blueberries so dude hasn't seen a blueberry in 45 years & forgot they existed.

Image credits: bdld39

#6

One time, when i was about 10, my dad called me into his room. He and my mom were there, completely naked, standing around and laying their clothes down ready to get dressed. They acted like the situation was completely normal and asked me about some random thing.

I eventually blocked this memory out, and thought it to be a dream, but then, 10 years later, they told me that was their way of showing me what a body looked like because i was getting close to "that age".

Dude, wtf.

TL;DR: My parents flashed me to avoid 'the talk'.

Image credits: anon

#7

This was a few years back but, my dad really got into my pot brownies. Only way I know this is because I woke up in the middle of the night to him putting baby socks on my dog. His only statement was, "Dog's shouldn't have cold feet."

Image credits: Justin_Timberbaked

#8

One time, my older brother and I were helping my dad cut down some trees in the backyard and the chainsaw kind of stuck and my dad yanked it out a little too hard and hit my brother's leg. We all froze and looked at his jeans...which had 4 or so perfectly spaced holes...but no blood. He had managed to hit my brother's pants, but didn't get in far enough to hit flesh.

The next words out of his mouth were pretty obvious. "Don't tell your mother!" And we still haven't 20+ years later.

Image credits: runnerdan

#9

One time my dad took me to my college orientation back in 98. I grew up in an urban setting and wanted to mix it up so I decided on an undergrad school in a very rural area. Read: Not a lot of diversity.

My dad is the best and always wants to goof around. We had this jeep growing up that we called "Little Blackie" because it was...little and black. A running joke was that any time any of us in the family saw a similar looking jeep, one of us would yell "hey! Look! It's little blackie!"

Bet you see where this is going.

We are walking around campus and sure enough, there was a jeep parked within sight. My dad starts yelling...Hey! Look! Little Blackie!! LITTLE BLACKIE!!!

OF COURSE the ONLY African American kid on campus was walking RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. My dad was oblivious and kept right on yelling. The poor kid looked at me in disgust and I was so very mortified. I wanted to disappear.

I ended up becoming really good friends with him later in my freshman year and after I explained the whole story he laughed super hard. Thank goodness. I still cringe thinking about it though.

Image credits: Beekerboogirl

#10

One time my dad saw I was in a really low mood so he walked into my room, grabbed my trash Hatsune Miku wig and my swim goggles, put them both on and followed me around for a solid ten minutes, completely nonchalant, to make me laugh. Imagine, if you will, a large imposing black man wearing a teal pig-tailed wig and goggles so old they're turning brown, causally making himself a sandwich.

Image credits: anon

#11

One time my dad came home after I had a party at the house. There were girls dancing together on the pool table, and one of them had Cheeto dust on their fingers. I tried to clean it, but couldn't get all of it before they got home. He calls me downstairs and asks about the marks on the table, I couldn't think of a lie so I just told him the truth. He stares for a couple seconds and then says "nice".

Image credits: Rainman003

#12

One time my dad almoat slit my throat because he thought I was a burglar. I had snuck downstairs for some reason, I was in the kitchen and heard him coming in, so I hid behind the kitchen counter. Heard my dad opening drawers and things. Next thing I know he had leaned over the counter and grabbed my head, had a kitchen knife to my throat. A split second later he realised it was me and dropped me, then I got yelled at because he had heard me breathing, thought I was a home intruder, and I almost got in a world of pain. He was shaking from adrenaline. As a dad now myself, I can imagine the state of mind he was in.

Image credits: JustADamn_Dirty_Ape

#13

One time, my dad was sitting on the couch in our living room. Mom brought out a bag of sugar and asked him to open it. He opened it like it was a bag of Doritos, and I mean, IT. WAS. EVERYWHERE. He was only wearing his shorts, so there was sugar in just about every square inch of his visible hair as well as all over our couch and carpet. Took him four showers in a row to get it all off.

Image credits: CrystalxFrost

#14

One time my dad ripped a HUMONGOUS fart and killled all the power in the neighborhood. Literally, PHHHT...dark.

Spoiler: We later found out that someone had hit a pole further up the line at that EXACT moment.

It made perfect sense to us kids. Dad's an electrician, and has DEADLY farts. PHHHT...dark.

Now I use this as an example that correlation is not causation.

#15

One time my dad literally took candy from a baby.

A two year old held up a lollypop and my dad assumed the kid was giving it to him. After taking it and walking away, he realized the toddler probably just wanted to show it to him...

Image credits: RekNepZ

#16

According to my grandmother, my dad, on his first day of school back in the 60s came home all smiles and laughter.

The next day when my grandmother awoke him for his second day of school he matter-of-factly replied:

"No I've already been to school."

He really thought school was something like the dentist or innoculations where you only have to go the once and that's it lol.

Image credits: anon

#17

One time my dad cut his leg pretty bad so he tour my mom's shirt off, wrapped up his wound and drove himself to the hospital.

He also puts coffee in his oatmeal to k**l two birds with one stone.

Image credits: ooo-ooo-oooyea

#18

One time my dad was on a business trip and he ended up getting upgraded to first class. He ended up talking with this guy seated near him for a majority of the flight. Turned out that guy was Usher.

Image credits: where_aremy_pants

#19

One time, I asked my dad to rent The Notebook for me from the good ol' Family Video up the street. He rented Nacho Libre because he could only remember it started with a N.

Image credits: anon

#20

One time my dad made me drive 3 hours from home to visit a nature preserve. He then began taking pics of the birds there. Just one problem, the birds were plastic. Turns out the flocks had stopped migrating back to the preserve so they put up plastic birds for tourists. The funniest part was how long it took him to listen to me telling him they were plastic.

Image credits: Catalystic_mind

#21

One time my dad defended my honor in the form of a snowball fight/m******e, which I didn't learn about until nearly a decade later.

I was maybe 7 or 8 years old walking home from my friend's house after enjoying a snow day sledding around in her hilly backyard. Apparently the neighborhood boys around my age (I am girl) spent their day building a fort structure. I remember stopping briefly to admire it, but no kids in sight. Oh well, I turn and continue walking home. Suddenly about 5 boys popped out the back of the fort and pummelled the s**t out of me with snowballs. I guess they also spent the day stocking ammunition and awaiting the perfect passing victim.

They really f****d my s**t up. I am a stupidly petite adult and thusly, was a really tiny little girl and these dumb boys really didn't understand that they were going too far. I was down on the ground and still getting nailed snowball after snowball mostly in the head/face area. After the initial shock, I made efforts to block the shots with my snow saucer and finally got on my feet to run. They followed me until they ran out of projectiles and retreated. Relieved, I stop running and was just SO upset, I was barely even walking. Just dragging my feet, crying, trying to wipe my face with big stupid bulky gloves.

Then my dad's car pulls up next to me. He had gone to work that day, despite the snow, and had just pulled into the neighborhood.

"Hey kid, need a ride?"

So yeah, I get in the car and he sees I've been crying. At first I wouldn't tell him why I was upset, because I was embarrassed and didn't want to be a tattle tale. Once we pulled into the driveway though, he wouldn't let me out of the car until I told him what was up. After my explanation he told me to go inside and get washed up for dinner, that he'll be inside in a few minutes.

Ok, so time warp to 10 years later. I was planning a big high school graduation cookout at our house and I was inviting all the kids from the neighborhood. A couple of those boys from the snowball incident told me they didn't really feel comfortable hanging out at my parent's house, to which I'm like dafuq are you talking about? These boys then lay out this tale: On that fateful Snow D-Day, my dad drove back to the kid's fort and screamed at all of them to come out or he would call their parents. Once all the boys were lined up, Dad - still in his suit and tie - demolished their fort. Kicked the s**t all down. Then from the rubble he made big a*s man-sized snowballs and made sure each kid got a violent face full of their precious fort.

F**k yeah, Dad.

... I'm glad I had an opportunity to tell this story right at this moment. My Dad is in the hospital tonight after a super terrifying heart issue/fainting episode this morning and we're just waiting for more information... and trying not to lose my mind.

Image credits: brumbz

#22

My dad was a fireman and picked me up from school in a fire engine once.

#23

One time I was in another room and the phone rang. I hear my dad answer the phone when a telemarketer called, and they asked if he wants his ductwork cleaned. He said, yes, I would love to have my ducks cleaned. QUACK QUACK....QUACK QUACK... and then just hangs up on the guy.

#24

One time my dad made a remote control car and put me as a toddler on it and drove me around.

#25

One time my dad scared the p**s out of a guy that wouldn't take no for an answer

I got pretty much peer pressured onto going on a double date with a guy I hated and I had told him I hated him. We both worked at the local fast food joint. I was fresh out of high school and naive and felt like I had to be nice. He asked me out in a way that put me on the spot too, on his day off in the middle of my shift he showed up dressed like he was going to a wedding brought me a bunch of flowers and asked me in the middle of a lunch rush mortifying me and everyone started chanting say yes. I agreed and ran out on my shift crying and feeling like I couldn't back out.

It was painfully obvious during and after the date I was not interested. He kept calling me, texting me, leaving me threatening and weird voicemails. He even drove by my house a few times. My parents noticing my change in mood asked me what was up and I told them and played them the voicemails

My dad asked me when we next had the same shift I told him

My dad came to the restaurant after his factory shift. My dad is a big dude and looks scary, especially covered in grease and wearing a uniform

My dad bust into the restaurant, gives me a hug, asks me "where is the son of the b***h" everyone is frozen in place, and slack jawed, anyone that knew my dad knew him as a goofy kind guy so they were just in awe of this whirlwind that had bust in the door. I pointed to the kitchen and this dopey mother f****r looks like he is going to p**s his pants

My dad points right at him and says LEAVE MY DAUGHTER THE F**K ALONE OR I WILL GO BACK TO JAIL.

Tells me he loves me and mom is cooking dinner. Waves to some of my friends he knows and walks out the door like nothing ever happens.

That guy went on break and never came back. And he never bothered me again.

#26

One time my dad hmmm what story hasn't yet been told...

Cut off his finger tip... he was a safety/quality guy of all things in his professional life, however when not working he liked to drink hard. It was the weekend so he was pounding back beers, while building something like a fence or deck or maybe a f*****g airplane the dude was handy man / mechanic extraordinaire...

So he was cutting wood in the garage for the coffin he was building.

He had one of those spinning saws (I don't know what they are called he realized I was too much of a P***y to ever make anything myself so he didn't waste his breath telling me what the tools were called) he just kept his focus on the rocking chair he was building.

Anyways, he's wrecked, he's cutting a 2 by four for the dog house roof and not completely paying attention.

I was sitting on the porch actually playing my gameboy, I could hear the saw and him building his replica train station but he told me to stay out of the garage cause it could be dangerous. Good call.

So I'm sitting there and I don't hear screaming like you'd expect when a dude building a loft isn't looking and cuts off the tip of his his finger, instead i just heard the whirring of the saw and then a weird noise which it turns out was his bone being cut, then the saw shuts off and what I hear is this very matter of fact, "well that's just what I f*****g need on my day off (and I was nearly done building that dock)"

Then he walks out of the garage and sees me, and he's holding the tip of his finger in the hand he just cut it off of between the thumb and pinky. And his middle finger is held up and he's holding his other hand over the top of it and pressing down like he's calling a timeout.

He looks me in the eyes and says, "can you get the door for me, then grab me some ice to put my bloody fingertip in. And sorry about the swearing this hurts."

I ran to the door and ran and got him ice. Meanwhile he grabbed his wallet and keys and when he came and found me in the kitchen he's got his mangled hand pressed into his hip like he's striking some super model pose and he's just shaking his head; visibly annoyed.

Then I held the bag of ice open, he dropped the finger tip in it; then asked me to seal the bag. I did and gave it to him, he put it in his pocket.

Then he looks at me like he's working out the best next action and finally says, "alright don't tell your mom about this she'll just freak out for nothing. I'm gonna go to the hospital and get this stupid thing sewed back on. If I'm not home by dinner just tell your mom I went to the hardware store. Oh and don't go in the garage. It looks like a horror movie in there"

Then he f*****g drove himself to the hospital and sure enough from that day forward his middle finger was shorter than the other fingers beside it, but I still am not 100% sure my mom knows.

#27

One day, my dad answered the door in his underwear at 8am. The salesman was obviously weirded out. After he left, my mom was mortified and asked why he did that. My dad said "If these people don't want a show, they shouldn't come for the matinee.".

#28

One time my dad went to my school event in jeans, a jean shirt and a jean jacket

#29

My dad once put off going to the optometrist for three years. When he finally went, it turned out his right eye was in charge of looking at things far away and his left eye only looked at things close up. Sometime during those three years he became farsighted and his brain compensated.

#30

When I was 17, my crush arrived to pick me up to go hang out; he didn't come to the front door, he just honked from the driveway. So my Dad got all pissy, that's not how you treat a lady, honking is unacceptable, and didn't let me go out! He brought up that scenario repeatedly for years, as a baseline for how my dates should treat me. He hated that guy. I got married a few years later, and my husband died a few years into our relationship. A few years after he died, I was joking with my dad about the guy honking his horn and my dad looks at me and says "Wait. That was the same guy??!" Yes Dad, that was the same guy! He'd never realized that I'd married the honking guy! I didn't know that he didn't know! My kids love that story, it's pretty hilarious!

#31

When I was walking out to the car to leave for college, my dad yelled "HEY" from the front door

I turn around

He takes this HUGE box of magnum sized condoms and throws them at me as hard as he can. they hit me in the nose as he yells, "CARE PACKAGE" and then ran inside laughing.

That's very flattering dad but I don't have much use for them.

#32

One time, when I was younger and embarrassed about my body and potential "dirty" words, my Dad made a song about penises and vaginas and sang it any opportunity he could just to embarrass me.

#33

My stepmom own a couple of hot dog stands that are located in Home Depots. Every summer she caters an outdoor movie night event for the community of her cousin. It's an all-day event and when I was in college they asked me to help out and gave me the money they got paid so I could have some money for school.

The morning of the event, I got to my dad's house and started helping him load the hot dog cart onto the back of his truck. All of a sudden this SUV starts speeding down the alley. My dad narrowly avoids getting hit, but as the SUV passes it took out the drivers side mirror of my dad's truck. The SUV then stops a few houses down and the guy jumps out and runs into a house.

My dad and I both look at each other, really confused, and then went to check out the damage. The mirror was hanging off so we had to start figuring a way to tape it on because we needed it to make the hour and half long drive to the event.

After a few minutes the guy from the SUV comes back out and walks towards us. My dad was pretty pissed and looked ready to confront him. The guy stops right in front of the mirror, looks at it, turns to us and says, "I'm so sorry. I was about to s**t myself."

I could barely withhold my laughter and although my dad was still visibly pissed, I could tell he thought it was funny too. The guy ended up paying for the mirror, but the whole thing was such a weird interaction.

#34

One time my dad s**t his jeans on the side of the road on the way to my volleyball tournament. We were running late for the tournament so he threw the pants in the woods, and had dress pants in the car. He walked around the tournament all day in a red volleyball sweatshirt and pinstripe dress pants.

#35

One time my dad was riding his bike on a 3 foot tall brick wall, slipped off, hit his head on it and got knocked out behind it for an hour or so. My grandma almost called the cops to file him missing.

He also tried to see how far he could p**s into a urinal. About 10 feet before he got caught by a teacher walking into the bathroom.

He also dared his best friend to throw a full milk carton at a teacher. His friend did it. That teacher was also my grandma's best friend at the time.

Him and my uncle were throwing snowballs at cars passing on the highway. They hit an undercover detective. They ran back to the house and his while my aunt didn't know they snuck back in and she had to talk to the detective.

He also stole my aunt's VW beetle and took it for a midnight joy ride. They got it stuck in a ditch and had a farmer pull it out with a tractor. She just found out last year. Nearly 40 years later.

He really likes car horns. When we were kids he held down the horn on a country road until the horn gave out and was just squeaking trying to make noise.

He recently got a new aerating trailer for his lawn mower and he was so excited about it that he did 3 of our neighbors' yards for fun.

He also got himself a Christmas present a few years back and yelled "YES THANK YOU" when he opened it. That same Christmas my mom got him a new coffee maker and he spent the entire night setting it up and making everyone coffee.

He bought a motorcycle as a mid-life crisis thing. He kept it a secret from my grandma for 3 years. A 50 year old man hiding things from his mom.

My older brother fired an arrow almost straight up in the air. It came back down right on the peak of our shed. Sticking straight up and dead center. You could tell he was trying not to laugh while scolding us.

We were having a bonfire one night and one of my brothers friends put a Mountain Dew can near the fire so it heated up slowly. When it exploded it sounded like a mortar went off. It sent embers 40 feet into the air and 25 feet around. After gaining our sense we could see our dads silhouette sprinting inside the house because he though we were getting shot at. I've never seen him move that fast. To clarify, he was already in the house.

#36

I am a Bengali, and as all good Bengalis, we went to see tigers in north bengal. (Spoiler alert: no tigers). After one pretty disappointing day of missing two elephant herds and seeing no wild cat, much less a tiger, we stop at a dried up river bed. We are f-ing tired, the sun is setting, the peacocks are screaming, the usual. Suddenly , we hear a growl. Monkeys are going nuts. The tell tale sign of a tiger nearby. The guide tells us to rush to our jeeps. We oblige, but just before boarding, I see my dad smirking, HARD. After an hour of waiting, we see no tigers and head home. The next morning, while everyone is freaking out over the growl, dad pulls me aside and says that it was a burp. A f*****g burp. So I can proudly say that once my dad burped so hard the jungle thought it was a tiger.

#37

Me and few of my friends used to hold a poker night each week which my dad used to play too.

He got paticularly drunk one night and was getting on his bicycle to go home. It was icy outside and we spent around 15 minutes trying to pursuade him to have a lift off one of my friends.

He refused.

10 minutes later there's a knock at the front door and he's there with blood dripping down and covering half his face.

All he said was "I fell over".

He then came in, fell over again. Washed his face and went to sleep on couch.

#38

One time my dad called the phone at my work and asked me where I was and what I was doing.

#39

One time my dad saw me put a rubber band around the sinks small water hose thing that i had specifically set up for him, but instead of saying anything he left it there and watched for the next victim. He laughed so hard when the older man we rented the basement to yelled out "WTF" and turned around with his shirt wet.

#40

About 5 years ago, my dad accidentally cut three of his fingers off in our garage with a saw. My niece was only like 5 months old at the time, so growing up, she's never seen my dad with all of his digits. Anyway, when she was about 2 1/2, she noticed that one of his hands was different. So, one day she asked him "Grandpoppy, what happened to your fingers?" My dad looked down at his hand all shocked and said "Someone stole them!!" Her face had the look of pure horror, and she screamed, "Who stole your fingers?" My dad looked at my mom and said, "Granmommy stole them!" My niece ran up to my mom and started beating on her legs, searching her jeans pockets to give back her grandpoppy's fingers. My dad, man.

#41

When I was younger I was a pretty high level swimmer, so my mum would take me to events all over the country, leaving my dad and my 10 year old brother home. I remember one time we went up north for a few days just after we'd had our house insulated. Now I don't know if you've ever seen what they do, but they essentially drill holes in your house and squirt insulation inside, it leaves loads of cream coloured spots all over the walls.

Now I remember just before we left for the event my mum looked at my dad and said "make sure you paint the house." To which he replied "of course dear"

Fast forward 3 days, we're rolling up the drive at about midnight, towards a house that has now been floodlit, multiple lights are now pointing at a white house, with massive pink spots with my dad and my ten year old brother stood on ladders covered in pink paint looking very happy with themselves.

Of course after that she was more specific with her instructions.

She was not best pleased.

#42

MI doesn't allow the good fireworks, but Indiana does, so every June my dad would drive across the border and pick up a trunk full.

One rather inebriated 4th of July, he reaches in the back, pulls out what appears to be an oversized confetti popper and aims it at the tree before pulling the trigger. It was not a party popper. It was his emergency flare. It got stuck towards the top of the tree and turned the whole neighborhood orange.

The cops in my hometown wouldn't really turn out for reports of the good fireworks unless someone lit a car on fire or something. But they will definitely turn out en masse for an emergency flare. Dad went from drunk to drill sergeant in about 2 seconds. Somehow, we managed to shove the entire stock of the good fireworks into the garage and used snow shovels to push the husks of the used ones into the parking lot across the street.

When the three police cars and the Fire/Rescue truck showed up, us kids were playing with sparklers and Dad was standing with his hands on his hips, scowling at the tree. Why yes, officer, some punks were across the street, lighting off roman candles and huge fountains, and they ran when one of their tricks got stuck in the tree. He was just about to call when they ran off, don't they know that roman candles are dangerous? They coulda hit one of the kids!

#43

This is a dark story, but I still want to tell it because it really means something to me.

After my mom and dad got married, my dad would often come home late at night, very drunk. Almost every night he would be too drunk to function. My dad never thought twice about his alcoholism until my mother went into labor for the first time, and he was so drunk my mom had to call our next door neighbor to drive my mom to a hospital. My dad was too drunk to drive his wife to a hospital to give birth to his own son.

Since that moment, he has never touched a beer.

#44

One time, just before I graduated high school, my dad sat me down to have a serious conversation about socializing in college. It turned into him telling me a bunch of crazy party stories and suggesting that the best way to make friends is to own a blender with a 100ft extension cord, because his friends would go outside to play basketball or whatever and he'd bring his blender out with them and make margaritas.

"We met so many girls because of that blender, people like the guy with the blender."

My dad is super serious and straight-laced most of the time, it totally caught me off guard.

#45

One time my Dad lodged a huge splinter under his finger nail. He has huge hands, and the splinter entered under his middle finger, and the tip of the splinter was poking out of his knuckle. He fell to the ground and calmly asked for needle nose pliers. After I handed the pliers to him, he yanked the splinter out, and went back to work.
Hard core as f**k.
Edit: changed the first word from On to One
Plus: I am thrilled that my highest rated comment is about my Dad!

#46

One time, when my dad was in college, he almost caused a biohazard shutdown across campus.

In central Arkansas, he was able to hunt a ton of squirrels. He did so, and out the frozen bodies in his dorm freezer so that he could have a large cooking party once he was done. A few days after the freezer got full, he went home as part of Thanksgiving vacation. Little did he know, the school shuts power off in the dorms when the students leave.
So what happens to 20 squirrel carcasses after they defrost and stew in their own decaying muck?

When he got back, he noticed a smell outside of his dorm. It was so foul he could taste it. In a moment of instant clarity, he knew why. Very few people were there yet, and he was one of the first to return. As he climbed up the steps to his third story room, the smell got so bad he had to stop and puke twice. Once on his floor, he ran to get to his room so that he couldn't stop and think about what he was doing. His actual room had a literal gas cloud of rot and death. Working on instinct more than thought, my dad ran in and grabbed the squirrel carcass/mush bag from his freezer. He opened his third story window, and chucked it out. Onto the sidewalk. With people.

My dad could see the bag tumble down through the air and split immediately on impact. There was a crowd of people, including the local firefighters, to see what was causing the mess. Luckily his bag went wide by about twenty feet, but as soon as it burst people ran.

At the dean's office, my father was asked 'college ain't the right fit for you, is it son?'

Dad agreed, and left that college without any kind of backlash. Then finished his degree elsewhere.

#47

One time, there was an armadillo that was basically ruining our backyard and my dad is a mad man about the grass so he complained about it every time he went outside. After a week or so of armadillo infestation, I'm awaken at 4:30 am by gun shots and probably some of the most magnificent swearing I've ever heard. I run downstairs to see what's going on and join my mom at the window where we watched my dad attempt to k**l the armadillo. What he was unaware of was apparent speed and the agility of the armadillo. The thing was running, dodging, and jumping into the air to avoid the bullets. My dad was chasing after it, shooting, and screaming his head off. He eventually hit it, the armadillo was vanquished, the yard was saved, and I had the dirtiest vocabulary in my 3rd grade class.

#48

My dad once fell asleep on the floor, farted, woke himself up with his fart, said "what the f**k" in cantonese, then went back to sleep.

#49

One time my dad went to fathers weekend for my sorority. My dad likes to believe he's 21 despite being 50 with 4 kids. At fathers weekend he got bored at our fathers event and decided to recruit my roommates dad to crash a frat party. Well he succeeded and proceeded to walk down our street until he found a party to crash. He and his new friend knocked on the door and asked to see the place. Once inside they made fun of the lack of good alcohol the party had and proceeded to buy a keg of "the good stuff" for the party. He then starts to make friends with the guys at the party and starts taking shots with them. Fast forward and hour and now my dad is showing the music he used to listen to when he was in college the ask him to go on the stage and play it on the speakers. Well he proceeds to play some songs and jumps on the table and starts to dance on the table. The table then breaks and my dad is carried off as the coolest dad ever. It's been a year and I am still hearing people talk about him.

TL;DR One time my dad crashed a frat party and broke a table dancing on top of it.

#50

One time my dad was an absolute bad a*s working from 5 in the morning till at least 6 at night on the family farm. Every day of the week, every week of the year for 40 years. My dad's always been a super hero to me.

#51

My dad worked at a jail near downtown, he loved it. To quote my old man "if i won the lottery id work there for free". Hes a very tall muscular man that "just left the neo n**i party".
So this man is pretty much summed up as a guy who looks like he should be behind the bars as opposed to closes the bars. He is estatic, like a child in a candy shop in regards to prisons and jails.

well the night was 1am, he did the night shift. I hear the garage open and close, and i can hear him running up the stairs.
im worried, did somebody die?

he lunges at my door, and with a loud creek the mans face i wish i couldve saw mustered up a very loud cheer...

GUESS WHAT I SAW AT WORK?! I SAW TWO GUYS F*****G IN A BUNK!!!

and like a shooting star; the door slams, light go off, and the house is silent.
What that moment my dad and i shared is nestled in my mind, i could get an award, i could get married. i could have a very large loving my family of my own within my life.
But that moment, that one moment just got crammed into my top 10 memories and on my deathbed, i will think about that night and i will ponder what the f**k compelled my father to wake his 13 year old son at 1am to tell him that.
fathers day is around the corner i might get that man a card to relive the anniversary of that moment. happy fathers day dad.

TLDR: one time my dad woke me up to tell me about an apparent life altering sight at 1am.

#52

One time my dad had to chase a baby bear out of his car. Pants were nearly shat when momma bear turned up about ten feet away to see what the commotion was.

#53

Posted this before. Apologies for length, but if you care to read it I'm confident it will be one of the more unique answers.

So my dad is an intellectual type. He attends a public lectures on philosophy and science in his free time. He was attending one on theories of consciousness that had a Q+A session. The speaker was a mind functionalist. The tldr explanation is he subscribes to the idea that the mind is a description of function: humans can do X Y and Z things, therefore they have minds. Consequently if a machine/alien/whatever can do basically the same stuff us, they therefore have a mind.

My dad raised a (common) criticism which runs like this: a large group of beings (human or otherwise) could function together similar to a single person. But it sounds odd to say they therefore all have a shared mind. He used an example of ants operating in a hive intelligently. By functionalism we might conclude the hive itself has a mind. Dad MEANT this as a criticism but I guess that wasn't clear.

After the talk was over a guy comes over to dad. He's super excited and complimentary. Even though dad only spoke for a few minutes, this guy seems overly inspired by him. He keeps saying stuff about how "Your ant analogy was so insightful, I can tell you're a real intellectual." He asks if dad attended Oxford or Cambridge University, and dad says yes, Oxford. He is smug. "I could tell."

Then it gets weirder. The guy makes strange veiled comments, as if he's trying to tease something out of dad without asking outright. "I never thought Id meet someone like... you." "I know you're not like other people. It's ok, I know you can't talk about it here."

This guy is also handing out some kind of (shoddy looking) pamphlet about his church to anyone who is interested. Dad takes one but doesn't read it until he got home that night. And that's when it became clear.

It is obvious from early on that this is not a mainstream church but some kind of weird space cult. There is a central belief: That all life (plant/bacteria etc) has the capacity to become conscious. However, those that are were made so by a super advanced race of aliens. At some time in the distant past they descended and made humans and some animals conscious.

Their ultimate goal is to make all life in the universe consciousness. But if they do this now, in our violent state, it would be a disaster. We already inflict so much suffering as it is that if all plants and insects could suffer too it would be horrific. First, we need to become enlightened and empathetic before the aliens will extend consciousness on our world.

So how to achieve this? Well, the benevolent aliens cannot force us to be peaceful against our will as this is against their nature. They can however attempt to influence our cultures in a peaceful direction through dialogue.

The aliens know they cannot appear in their true form because this could cause more war. So instead, they disguise themselves as humans on Earth. Wishing to be influential (and possessing superior intellect) they easily find places in our best Universities, like Oxford and Cambridge. Once they attain degrees/positions, and knowing that they will be respected and listened to, they then travel the globe spreading a single message: that all forms of life, from human to lowly ant, have the capacity to be conscious.

**TL;DR My dad made a single comment at a philosophy lecture and convinced someone he was a shapeshifting benevolent alien.**

#54

I will start this by saying my dad used to be a d**g a****t. He was in one of the many attempts to get clean at this point. So one time my dad decides to take all 3 of us to a cemetery and tells us to look for one of the oldest graves we could find. I was about 10, my sister was 9 and my brother was 6. We found this little girl that died in the late 1800's around the age of 6 or so. We didn't know why we were doing this but we went along. He pulls this pipe out of his pocket and proceeds to give us this long drawn out speech about how the path he is on is going to lead him to where we were standing. He then swore on that girls grave that he would never touch the pipe again and smashed the pipe on her head stone. Of course that promise was broken but maybe he just meant that pipe because he had already smashed it. My mom flipped s**t when he took us home and she found out.

#55

One time my dad took me over to my Uncle's house. My uncle made my twin and I chug orange juice as a contest. We thought it was funny.

Turns out, we were chugging it so my uncle could pour vodka in it and get drunk before my dad drove him to rehab.

So.....that was fun.

#56

One time, my friends and I were having a camp out near the pond on my parents property. My dad had this Bigfoot costume that he saves specifically for times like these and I should have know better. Well it was just getting dark and we were sitting around the campfire talking and we started hearing branches cracking in the bushes near our camping spot. All of a sudden, my dad in his Bigfoot costume comes flying out of the brush. Needless to say, we all almost peed our pants.

#57

One time my dad went on a hunting trip with his pals up north.
As they went to bed, one of his friends choose to sleep by the fire while him and his other buddy shared a tent.
Later in the night my dad heard rumbling and growling. Him and his tent mate looked at each other confused and figured it was Charles (the one sleeping by the fire) messing with them.
They both open up the tent zipper and there, in there face was a big ol' black bear.
My father and his friend screamed. The bear yelled out too in fear. It took off, jumping over both Charles and the fire.
Charles shoots straight up and takes off yelling in the opposite direction. He ended up falling into a creek.
Lol, apparently Charles was frozen in fear the whole time the bear was in camp and finally reacted when the bear took off.
This will always be my favorite story my dad has told me. He has so many but this will go down as the best.

#58

One time my dad got way into a game of volleyball. Our family had a barbecue out by the lake and the adults decided to start a game. Somebody served the ball way past the boundaries and my dad, being the the competitive man he is, still runs for the ball.

He runs for it, then tries to jump for it sideways. He practically flew into the men's room nearby and fell right into the closed stall, leaving a huge dent in the door and hauls a*s out of there immediately (with the ball of course). Moments later some guy comes out of the men's room looking confused as hell. At this point everyone is dying of laughter. That story comes up quite often when the family gets together.

#59

One time my dad set someone on fire. He was standing with a group of people having a smoke, this girl walked up and asked for a light. My dad said sure she lent in as he lit the lighter and her hair went right in to the flame causing her hair to catch fire. Apparently someone had a little too much hair spray. She was fine and didn't suffer any serious injuries. Dad still tells people the story to this day.

#60

I know this probably won't be seen, however still a great story.

My parents have been divorced since I was 2. Even though I still saw my mom on weekends, I grew up as 'a daddy's girl'. My dad was always the one to really take care of me, spoil me, etc. ANYWAY, when I was younger, I had always wanted to go to Disney World but it was always too expensive. Finally at 13, my dad decided since my grandpa (badass, in a motorcycle club grandpa) moved to Florida, we could go visit him and go to Disney World.

My dad has always been a little 'Danny Tanner-ish' and wore a f***y pack. (Since I was 13, and it was just him and I, I was a little embarrassed) ...one of the days we decided to just go to the ocean with my great aunt. My aunt and I started feeding the seagulls and my dad was just chilling in one of those low to the ground beach chairs with his f***y pack next to it. All of the sudden, the tide comes up and sweeps up my dads f***y pack. My aunt and I are still feeding seagulls and then out of nowhere on a packed beach - my dad starts yelling- 'MY PURSE, MY PURSE'!!! And starts running and falling into the ocean. My aunt and I just started dying laughing. My dad did retrieve 'his purse' and he told us not to say anything to grandpa.

As soon as I got back to grandpa's house I said - 'omg grandpa! Guess what dad just did!'

TL;DR: the ocean ate my dads f***y pack and my dad started screaming for 'his purse' on a crowded beach.

#61

One time, my dad and I built a potato cannon. We proceeded to launch potatoes into orbit from the backyard........

Until we heard a car alarm go off on the next street, somewhere in the general direction of where we launched the potato. Oops.

#62

One time my dad swatted a spider off the ceiling and into the toilet then flushed it.

#63

One time my dad came home quite drunk after a party (which is really unusual for him), grabbed me and said: "Son, promise me you will never dress up as a girl". I never had the guts to ask him about that since.

#64

One time my dad was messing around with the ticket to get out the car park. He was messing around pretending to put it in the CD player and the machine sucked it in.
We had to pay the lost ticket fee to get out when we had already paid for the time we had been there.
It took weeks to get it back out. We still laugh about it now. My mum, sister and I can not believe how daft he can be sometimes. The stories that will be told to his grand children ????.

#65

One time my dad annihilated his brand new Chevy silverado on my birthday. Then he got a brand new dodge ram.


So another time he totalled the brand new dodge ram.


And then this one time he totalled it again.


One time he totalled it again.


One more time he totalled it.


So the next one time...he totalled it.


And then one more time he totalled it.


Insurance company stopped replacing the trucks after this time. I took so many pictures of each truck and every time hed yell at me for doing something wrong or ground me for this and that....i would send him one of the pictures i had of the damage to 1 of the 7 trucks he totalled (i mean completely WRECKED!!) in the course of 4 years.

#66

One time my dad, whom I miss very much, put sausages in rice cooker with rice and cooked them. He was an amazing dad. If you are a dad, be amazing to your kids, spend time with them, this does not mean throwing money at them. We used to play soccer with a rolled up sock! It has been 15 years that he has passed.

#67

One tine my dad told a priest that there was a special place in hell for him. He then baptized me in our kitchen sink.

Okay, so I was newly born. If you read the other post I have on this thread, you know that mom and had have already had one hell of a time the last few weeks. My father is Catholic, and wanted me baptized at his church. Mom gave no f***s what or where I was baptized. Just a note they weren't married.

Okay, so my father headed down to his church. This had been his church since his birth. Actually, my family on his side built the f****r 200 years ago, so it's the entire family's church. The priest from his childhood had recently retired, but he didn't think there'd be a problem.

New priest was a d**k. He literally told my father that he refused to baptize me because there was no point given that, as a b*****d child, I was going to hell no matter what. So dad did the reasonable thing, and told the priest to f**k off. "There is a special place in hell for people who try to keep children from God." Was a part of this tirade.

And he hatched a plan. Now, this man was f*****g devout. Altar boy until he was 17 s**t. He re read the bible, at least the books that he thought the thing he was looking for was is. And then he found it.

So, technically, Christian rule says that ANY baptized person can baptize another. You do not have to be a priest/pastor/whatever.

So, that's exactly what he did. My father baptized me. He made holy water out of tap water and did it in the kitchen sink while mom was getting my sisters from school. She came home and he told her that the baptism thing was solved. She asked if Sacred Heart (another church) had agreed to do it, and so he explained that he didn't ask and showed her the passage and then tolf her that he had already baptized me.

I miss him.

#68

Shared this on another thread but...

One time my Dad's pub in Africa was held up by 2 guys with guns. They ran in brandishing weapons and one held a gun to my Dad's head and demanded money. Everyone in the place froze up scared that they'd somehow wind these guys up and they'd k**l somebody.

My Dad turned his head to look at the guy who had the gun to his head and saw the little orange water nozzle at the end of the gun. So he ripped it out of the guy's hand and beat the s**t out of him.

The night watchmen/security showed up and grabbed the other guy who tried to make a run for it and handed his a*s to him as well.

TL;DR: My Dad's African pub was held up by 2 guys with water pistols so he and the security beat the s**t out of the would-be robbers.

#69

One time my dad got angry, punched a brick wall and c*****d the wall. My family friends told this to me when I was young and I started threatening that I would unleash my dad on people if they messed with me.

#70

NSFW

I didn't see my dad much, he lived ~80 miles away and was getting his life together. I tried to see him once a month for a weekend, I would bring my homework and spend a few days with him.

I'm sitting at his computer while he's watching TV in the same room, and he turns to me and asks if I want to "see something". He retrieves a cardboard box from his closet and sets it only lap, and I open it. Staring at me in the face is a 15" giant girthy purple d***o. I look up to him with a confused expression, and he laughs out with a cheshire grin: "I'm going to make a lamp out of it."

We laugh about it for the rest of the weekend, making dumb jokes, it was fun. But soon I leave for home, and I forget about the jokes and the dong.

I return a month later, and open the door to his apartment to see that all of the walls had a faint purple hue. Looking down, I see this giant glowing purple d**k suction cupped to my dad's coffee table. I drop my bags slack-jawed as he steps up behind me and claps twice, and the lamp turns off.

My dad made a d**k lamp, and them gave it the clap.

#71

My father was special forces during the 80s and early 90s and one day during first grade I brought my father to school and his first words where " you kids wanna know how I got this gun wound and killed two men?".

#72

One time my dad almost got stuck in a car wash. We had just finished a day of skiing with our neighbors and my dad decided that the car was just too dirty to go home with. We pull up to one of those single car car washes (the ones where you put in a couple quarters and go in one door, door closes, then you go out the other door after.) After he puts in his 8 quarters he pulls into the car wash. Nothing happens. Confused, he pulls out then drives back in again. Nothing. He continues this a few times getting more and more frustrated as he had already paid the money for it. This was $2 on the line here! Well, eventually he just says f**k it and walks in (there was a door on the inside and he was trying to see what was up). WELL, that happened to be a good time for the entire car wash to start. From the car it looked like everything was happening in slow motion. He got this massive look of panic and too a headfirst dive for the door. He did manage to make it out in time, but not without taking a face full of snow. At this point he is pretty pissed. He has yet to get his car washed, while almost getting a wash for himself. He gets in the car and all of us are trying not to laugh as he is clearly not amused by any of this. When he pulls up to the front where the manager is, he gets out of the car and screams at the top of his lungs "I JUST HAD A TERRIBLE CARWASHING EXPERIENCE!" At which point we all burst out laughing.

TL;DR: Dad cheaped out and almost got his own personal car wash.

#73

One time, on Halloween, trick or treaters came to the door and my Dad answered. One of them says 'TRICK OR TREAT!' To which my Dad replies 'TREAT PLEASE!'

The kids all look at each other confused, one of them reluctantly hands him a kitkat, Dad thanks them and shuts the door.

We didn't get anymore trick or treaters that year...

#74

I pray this doesn't get buried. Once my dad got so drunk he stole a Shetland pony and tried to keep it in the kitchen.

My mum went ballistic while my dad was trying to feed the pony carrots.

#75

When the new Star Wars movies came out, we were in elementary school. My dads company had booked the whole theater to see it on opening day so we got to leave school early to see it. My dad dressed up as darth Vader (full costume with helmet and light saber) and snuck into our classroom and came up behind us saying "[kids name], I am your father". At the time I don't think it was possible to be more embarrassed but now I think that was pretty hilarious of my dad to do that.

#76

One time my dad quacked at a doctor. My mother's doctor. Her obgyn. She was pregnant with me.

So, uh, they had a really good doctor, but he switched clinics when she was at the beginning of her 3rd trimester and his new clinic didn't want my mother to switch when she was that late. Idk why. So she was reassigned to another doctor. Let's call him dr quack. So things were going pretty decently, the guy was a bit of an idiot, but not enough to ask for a change.

And then, the last couple weeks of pregnancy. Mom had an appointment, Dr Quack did all the things, idk all the details, and said that I had shrunk. According to him, this meant that I was most likely dead. Yep. So mom got an appointment at a hospital for the next day, and was super duper stressed. I mean, she was just told that her baby is probably dead during her last couple months of pregnancy.

She got to the appointment. They did all the things, and were super confused. I was an incredibly healthy baby, way more than they had expected, what with it being an emergency. They told her that I had dropped and was due literally any day. And so, with my dad in tow, they went back to the clinic.

Dad caught the Dr Quack in the waiting room and asked for an explanation. The reply was "oh. She must have popped back."

Dad kinda went ballistic. Mom almost went into early labor because this guy got a crucial detail wrong, and then is defending his actions. Eventually, dad started quaking at the guy. Mom said that a few choice sentences included was "I wouldn't take my f*****g dog to see you and I'm not fond of the dog" and "did you get your medical license from a cereal box?" along with making sure every woman in the lobby was aware of his incompetence.

The police had to come to ask him to leave. He left peacefully when they asked. I was born about a week later, just before mother's day.