Pregnant Employee Is Lying About Work, Coworker Attacked My Boss, And More

This post was written by Alison Green and published on Ask a Manager.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Pregnant employee is lying about doing her work

One of my employees is pregnant and has been having a long series of issues at work since the beginning of the year. It shouldn’t matter, but just in case, I am a woman. However, I’ve never been pregnant so this is unfamiliar territory for me.

Her work quality and output has decreased dramatically. She went from being my top performer to my worst. She is no longer able to take the same medication as she usually has, so this is definitely contributing. I agreed to reduce her work expectations 25% early in the year, but she is not able to accomplish the reduced workload, either.

We recently had a discussion about not completing certain types of work because I discovered she had not been doing it at all and was lying about doing so (and tried to deny it). We are allocated 20% of our working time for it. She has missed required meetings due to taking a nap. Every meeting we have begins with, “I’m so tired all the time.” She has chronically zero or negative PTO, and will not work late to make up hours or work on the weekend like others’ on the team (despite the negative PTO). Thanks for any tips or advice you have on managing or coaching in this type of situation

Pregnancy doesn’t turn people into liars. That’s on her.

Fatigue? Sure. Not having the energy to work more hours to make up ones she’s missed? Sure. Lying, no.

I’m curious what your sense is of what drove that. Was she covering up undone work because she was ashamed and lied in a moment of panic? That’s still not good, but you can work with that more easily than a sustained and/or cavalier lie that she committed to multiple times over a period of months.

Either way, it sounds like time for a serious conversation where you say, “I’m willing to work with you. I’ve reduced your workload to 75% of what it was — and what the rest of the team’s is — but I need you to hold up your end it. That means not missing required meetings or clearing it with me ahead of time if you think you’ll need to, raising it proactively if you’re not able to keep up on work so we can figure out solutions, and — and it’s a problem that I even have to say this — not covering up work that’s not getting done and telling me things are done that aren’t. I’m giving you a lot of grace because you’ve been a top performer, and I’m absolutely open to giving you flexibility during this time, but I need you to work with me. Can we have an honest conversation about what’s realistic between now and your leave and how we can make this work? If we can talk honestly about what you need right now and what the team needs, I think we can move forward. But I don’t know how to make this work if we don’t.”

I was going to warn you that there’s a good chance this won’t resolve when she’s back from leave, because the baby is likely to be exhausting and energy-sapping too … but if she’s able to resume the medication she currently can’t take, that might make a difference. (And if that medication is for ADHD, which it sounds like it might be, shame is very often intertwined with ADHD and could account for — not justify, but account for — the lying.)

2. I want to apologize for snapping at my coworker, but my manager said not to

During a stressful situation last week, I responded to a coworker with an unnecessary amount of snark. Specifically, we work with dogs, and I’d just been bitten (painful, but not serious). The coworker said “Oh, yeah, that dog bites,” and I said “Yeah, no shit.” In hindsight, I recognize she was trying to be helpful, but this coworker often rubs me the wrong way, and it was the end of a long shift. Not my finest moment.

Several days later, my manager casually mentioned that the coworker was upset by my reaction, and that he would try to avoid scheduling us together for a few weeks to let things blow over.

I was going to text her an apology, but my manager specifically told me not to. According to him (and another staff member who was present for the recap conversation), the coworker has a reputation for being “sensitive.” He said she would interpret my apology as evidence of people “talking behind her back.” The manager added that he didn’t blame me for what I’d said, and that he would have said something similar or worse in my situation.

I just checked the schedule, and lo and behold, the “sensitive” coworker and I are working a six-hour shift this week with just each other.

What do I do? I’d like to clear the air before seeing her again, and it feels weird to know she’s upset and not apologize. Presumably, my manager knows her better than I do, but I’m not sure I trust his judgment. This is a very casual working environment, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I behaved unprofessionally, and it feels weird not to acknowledge that.

It wasn’t that unprofessional, in a casual environment. A little sharp, sure — but you’d just been bitten. It would be a lot more unprofessional for your coworker to hold that against you and be weird toward you because of it.

But we also don’t know that she will. She could have felt a little stung in the moment and have gotten over it by now. Wait and see how the shift goes. If she seems upset when you’re in-person, at that point you could say, “I apologize for my reaction last week when Florence bit me. It was heat of the moment, and I didn’t mean to sound upset with you.” That’s a reasonable thing to say if she’s being chilly, and that way you don’t flagrantly do the exact thing your boss told you not to do (text her). And if your boss’s concern about texting was that it would be clear he told you she was upset, this way you’re simply responding to what you see of her with your own eyes.

For what it’s worth, if your boss genuinely thinks your coworker would need several weeks away from you in order to cool off about something so minor, (a) there’s a big problem with this coworker that your boss is being negligent in not addressing, and (b) he shouldn’t have told you he’d schedule you separately and then not follow through, especially without saying anything to you. (If he later realized his idea was an overreaction, which hopefully it was, he should have told you that.)

3. My coworker attacked my boss to me

I was at a social event at my job yesterday, saw a coworker, and asked if he was free after the event to touch base quickly. The conversation went off the rails from there.

We started talking about a long-standing issue in my office that impacts both our teams (a problem with our data fidelity that I’m trying to work on), and I was agreeing with him about the issue. Unfortunately, he took my agreement about this to be agreement that I thought the issue was entirely the fault of my boss. He began to attack my boss, going so far as to say he thought he should be fired, as all he does is collect a salary. I was so shocked that I froze and just made “mhm” noises until another coworker came up to us and I was able to change the topic.

I like my boss! I don’t think the current issues are his fault (he only started in his role about a year ago!), but now this coworker thinks I’m “on his side” about the issues, which I’m vehemently not.

I’m now stuck with two problems: first, I don’t know how to deal with this coworker. He’s not well-liked, and his dislike of multiple team members is well known, but I hadn’t been pulled into it. I’m worried he thinks I’m going to help him, and I need to keep a good working relationship with him. I know that I should have shut the conversation down as soon as it started, but he’s very senior to me, and honestly … I was so surprised at what he was saying that I couldn’t think straight in the moment.

My other worry is that this will get back to my boss. We were at a social event, and if anyone overheard, it would have seemed like I agree with the coworker. After the event, I immediately went and spoke with some trusted coworkers on my team about the conversation, and expressed my horror about it, but some of the possible “overhearers” were people who are very senior to me and not one I would go to to debrief about this. Is this something I should tell my boss? Or do I only bring it up if my boss comes to me? I’ve never been in a position like this before, and I really like both my boss and my job, and I don’t know how to deal with this!

I wouldn’t worry terribly that anyone who overheard thought you were agreeing with your coworker. It doesn’t sound like you said anything bad about your boss, and I suspect this isn’t the only time your coworker has buttonholed someone to unleash his grievances. Yes, ideally in the moment, it would have been better if you had said, “Wow, that’s not my experience with Joe at all” or “I really like working with Joe and don’t think he’s responsible for the problems” … but it’s unlikely that at an event where people were having their own separate conversations, you’ll have come across as if you also were trashing your boss. (But if your coworker raises the topic with you again, make a point of saying those things then.)

You probably don’t need to raise this with your boss. The exception to that would be if you think your coworker will try to be a problem for him, in which case it would be a professional courtesy to say, “Hey, I had a conversation that alarmed me and that I think you should be aware of.” But if your coworker was just griping, you can probably just leave it alone.

4. My coworker keeps pushing me to apply for a transfer I don’t want

I recently finished my master’s degree, and it’s no secret at my employer that I’m now underemployed in my position. I’ve been chasing a couple of internal leads for promotion, but so far, nothing has panned out. My manager doesn’t really understand or value my speciality, and she’s stated outright that she’s not interested in having conversations about my career development or in putting me on projects that would get me working on the things I do (and we have several). Our one-on-one meetings are very task-focused, and if she doesn’t have new work to assign, she cancels them.

A coworker in another department, however, has been very supportive of my need to develop my career. Unfortunately, this has manifested in repeated recommendations to apply for a team with a reputation for toxicity, long hours of putting out fires that could have been prevented if the team would do its research, and unpaid on-call time (we’re all salary exempt). On top of all that, their function isn’t really related to my speciality.

I have no intention of applying with them, and have said as much several times. I’ve also explained why. However, it’s apparently not sinking in with my coworker, who again today advised that I apply for an opening that’s coming up on that team. I don’t know how else to say no, absolutely not, never, I would rather literally set myself on fire than do that job with that group of guys, and I will absolutely leave the company if a move to Toxic Trash Fire Team the only option for “advancement” there. Do you have any suggestions? I don’t know what else to do at this point besides keep up the broken record routine while I continue applying for jobs with other companies.

Keep up the broken record routine while you continue applying for jobs with other companies. “Nope, I’m not interested in working with that department!” “Nope, that team isn’t a good fit for what I want to do.”

And then at some point if you feel like it: “How do I make you believe me when I say I don’t want to work on that team? I don’t know how else to say no.”

But this is one of those problems that becomes much less of a problem if you simply decide you don’t care. Your coworker can keep suggesting you apply to that team, you can keep saying no, and they can’t actually make you do anything differently.

5. Can I ask my previous job to take down old videos I made?

At my previous workplace, a library where I worked through Covid, I was required to create videos almost weekly for our social media pages. There are probably about 40 videos total still up on the Library’s Facebook and YouTube pages.

The problem is that my husband and I are currently in a horrible, aggressive, scary custody battle for his children. Their mother, unfortunately, is struggling with serious mental health illnesses, and their home is no longer safe. In recent weeks, she has begun harassing me online through the constant creation of fake social media profiles. Our lawyer is aware of this, but unfortunately, there is little we can do right now unless she makes an explicit threat. I really hope we can end this case soon, but until then, I am terrified that she’s going to find these videos. Honestly, there isn’t much she could really glean from them, but she’s the type who would absolutely use them to harass and embarrass me in any way possible. Would it be out of bounds to ask my former library to take these videos down? They’re all from 2+ years ago, they are not professional quality in any way, and they truly aren’t anything especially valuable — mostly just short tutorials for craft kits that are long gone.

Explain the situation and ask. Legally they don’t have to agree (since you created as it a work product while you were an employee, they own the videos) but there’s a good chance they will if you explain why you’re asking and especially since they’re for craft kits that the library doesn’t even have anymore. (This would be tougher if they were popular videos that they put a lot of resources into, although even then you could still ask.)