Some people have wildly different understandings of masculinity and what it means to be a “real” man. These attitudes can put a lot of pressure on folks to fit certain stereotypes out of fear that they’ll be left out. When, in reality, “real” men do whatever it is that men do, from growing flowers to crying.

After going on a slightly bizarre date, internet user u/Bikini_baby767 sparked a candid and important discussion on r/AskMen. The members of this popular online group opened up about the times that they’ve been called out for not being “real men” while doing completely ordinary things. Scroll down to see what they’ve experienced.

#1

For crying AT A FUNERAL. A lifelong friend of mine lost his sister tragically, and as my friend and I knew each other for almost twenty years, she was like a sister of my own. I was devastated at the service.

Image credits: Dolorous-Edd15

#2

I like flowers. I grow flowers around my property and sometimes post pictures on Facebook.

Very often I get called gay for doing that. I don’t give a s**t.

Image credits: BackItUpWithLinks

#3

Owning a cat.

Image credits: BourbonGuy09

Toxic masculinity is a narrow group of characteristics that have been traditionally associated with what it means to be a “real man.” Often, these attitudes are damaging not only to the individual’s mental, emotional, and physical health, but they also have a negative impact on the people around them.

To put it bluntly, toxic masculinity is when men are pressured to be aggressive, competitive, selfish, and violent. They’re expected to dominate, take risks, and be promiscuous. They’re also expected to hide “feminine” qualities such as being emotionally vulnerable, asking for help, or showing their true feelings.

#4

I can think of two weird things: for wearing a seat belt while driving and for using an umbrella to stay dry. Not the same woman, and the examples happened years apart.

Image credits: addeegee

#5

I wore an apron while cooking.

Image credits: Bikini_baby767

#6

Wearing pink. Imagine being so insecure about a colour.

Image credits: gin-o-cide

Vulnerability can be a powerful way for you to connect to the people around you. Human beings respect each other more when they’re authentic and honest, instead of trying to put up some sort of front.

The irony is that by being open about our weaknesses and embracing our flaws, we actually end up becoming emotionally stronger and more accepted. If, on the other hand, we try to hide our insecurities, we can come off as untrustworthy or “fake.” Alas, even in this day and age, many men are still expected to “just deal with it” on their own if they’re struggling with anything.

#7

Liking opera music. Pursuing a PhD instead of construction work or being a trucker idk. Not groping her on our first (and last) date.

Image credits: CarrotDue5340

#8

Using coupons.

She fully believed that a man should not use coupons. She said it embarrassed her, and often made fun of me for it.

Image credits: SecuritySky

#9

Because I'm not into cars. I think some look nice and some look bad, but I don't care what engine they have. I don't care how fast they can get to 80mph (there's no highway around that even let's you go that fast). And I don't care what rims or spoiler is on them. They're just methods of transportation to me, but that apparently makes me an undesirable non man.

Image credits: TehPharaoh

It’s hard to build any real connection—or even foster a brotherhood of sorts—if everyone’s constantly avoiding talking about the truth out of fear of “damaging” their reputation or being ostracized.

If you’re struggling with your mental health issues, the rational thing to do would be to ask for help and support. That way, you instantly jump to solving the problem. And that’s much more efficient than suffering alone while putting up a facade of nonchalance. Similarly, if your health is suffering, the logical thing to do is to immediately see your doctor. If you try to ignore the issue or pretend that it’ll all go away on its own, you’re only harming yourself more.

#10

Because I called an Uber instead of getting in the car with her when we were both heavily day drinking on a 3rd date. Red flags aplenty all day while bar hopping.

Image credits: Expensive-Fail7581

#11

A woman came to my house and criticised how neat and clean it was. Apparently, men don't live like that. Turns out her house was an absolute pig sty.

Image credits: working_class_tired

#12

I paid a moving company to move a bunch of furniture. She massively disrespected me in front of the movers, commenting about how they were "real men" (implying I wasn't). We are no longer together.

Image credits: Lucr3tius

Moving away from a culture of toxic masculinity toward healthy masculinity is a long process. It takes years of education to get people to accept the importance of things like vulnerability, emotional intelligence, and embracing who we are instead of fearing social backlash.

However, on an individual level, everyone can foster healthy masculinity. And it all starts with self-awareness. You can try to catch yourself whenever you start judging someone based on stereotypes. Meanwhile, you can encourage your social circle to open up and feel safe around you by showing that you’re not scared of being vulnerable either. Slowly, that should build a shared environment of trust among you, your friends, and your relatives.

#13

I once had a girl I was interested in laugh at me for drinking tea and said "what kind of guy drinks tea?"

B***h half my family is British, what do you expect?

Image credits: Satansleadguitarist

#14

My ex-wife: A real man makes seven figures. If you can't handle me physically hitting you, then you're not a real man.

Image credits: Jiggly_Love

#15

Dinner with an ex and her roommate a long time ago. Ordered a salad with grilled salmon on it, roommate thought it was embarrassing because real men are supposed to eat steaks and s**t when going out to dinner. Laughed my a*s off at her.

Image credits: Aztec_sandstone

#16

Ordering a hot cocoa instead of beer.

I love flowers.

And I love to cuddle.

Image credits: OldPyjama

#17

I went on a first date and when we sit down the woman stares at me and gives me a look of utter disgust and asks in an equally contemptuous voice, “Um…. Do you normally wear glasses?”.

Image credits: Swimming_Bag7362

#18

First gf said I'm not a real man for using a shower loofah to wash myself. She would just put soap in her hands and spread it on herself.

Image credits: teepring

#19

Wearing flip flops with a strap between the toes, using lotion, crying at my grandpa's funeral, crying at my grandmas funeral, not wanting to have sex after a child abuse case, not wanting sex just because I wasn't in the mood, taking baths, getting a massage.......... women love telling men what's a real man.

#20

I still shave with an actual straight razor made by rolls razor in 1942 in London England. My ex told me shaving with that razor was womanly and should only be used for decoration. And to quote her ( any man that uses British steel is a b***h ) and quote.

#21

Every time I’d call out my ex for being rude to me, she’d say “be a man. A man would just take it. Instead of complaining over a little thing.” Every single day she would say the meanest things to me and she expected me to just take it cuz that’s being a man. I found it ironic cuz I thought a man WOULD defend himself against a mean person. That’s what a man would do.

#22

Not exactly a "you're not a real man" moment but close. I had a girl once explain that as a girl she gets to do whatever she wants and I need to make sure to hold down the bills and accept her decisions as the man. So I get the only restrictions in the relationship. We broke up, now I am married and welcoming my first child with a perfect woman.

#23

"You need to grow a beard."

"You need to get some tattoos."

Because *real men* grow beards and get tattoos.

Funny story -- I had a buddy who was single and a female friend who was single. She liked guys with tattoos, and my buddy had many. The three of us are hanging out, but I could tell they weren't connecting. I talked to her later on and she explained that he was all right, but she didn't like all the tattoos he had. I pointed out that she liked guys with tattoos. She further explained that while this was true, he "didn't have the right kind" of tattoos. My friend had tattoos relating to comic books, and she found that to be a turn off. She even went so far to say that "real men" don't get tattoos like that.

#24

Cleaning.

Even weirder considering she came over right after I got done working out and was cleaning and oiling the barbells in my home gym when she said it.

#25

Had someone tell me it's cringe as a man to live with your parents as an adult, but it's perfectly fine for women to live with their parents as an adult as long as they want.

Always been a weird one to me. Like, so I fall on hard times and my parents want to help, so I guess I'm no longer a man ?.

#26

Ex wife told me I wasn’t a man because I “curled up” when I bundle up with a blanket on the couch.

#27

I didn't simply give her money whenever she asked for it.

She deemed herself entitled to men's money - even if she didn't even know them.

#28

My dad said I was a big fairy for wearing deodorant and not just using a bar of soap to wash my hair. Using shampoo made me a big fairy powder puff, apparently.

One of many pearls of wisdom he tried to give me.

He would s**t himself if he knew that I use moisturiser on occasion.

Image credits: crimsonavenger77

#29

I rejected her sexual advances. Made me "girly"


I asked another how she felt. That wasn't very manly either, apparently.

Image credits: Emotional_Load9735

#30

Easy - I was engaged, she had a baby. We break up, turns out baby isn't mine. Her sister ran into a friend of mine and claimed I was the father of said child. When my friend pointed out that the DNA conclusively determined that I was not the father, the ex's sister loudly proclaimed, "A real man would have stepped up and taken care of the baby anyway!" Pure insanity.

#31

Once an ex told me I wasn't a real man for not being able to support both of us financially when she quit her job. I was still a student & an intern at a law firm at the time. That one stung for a while.

#32

Because I liked a song from Sweeney Todd.

#33

"If you can not chop wood with an axe all day, you are not a real man".

#34

Using moisturizer in winter and sunscreen in the summer cuz it's not manly. Heard this from an ex and my own mother.

Also, I use hand gestures to articulate my body language as I was taught in my pulbic speaking classes, but that's gay and effeminate. Same culprits. One I was able to run away from, but the other one just makes me sad.

#35

I wouldn't approach some random woman's friend at a bar. She said that I wasn't a "real man" and I was "obviously gay."

The backstory was I was out with a few friends having dinner and a few drinks. At the time, my mental health wasn't the best. I was stressed from work, had some personal issues, and I wasn't in the right head space to date anyone.

This random woman comes up to me and tells me her friend thinks I'm cute and wanted to meet me. She then proceeded to try and convince me to go over to her table and talk to her. When she realized her first attempts weren't working, she then began berating me, and making false assumptions, I guess to save her friend's ego.

#36

If you don't do what a woman wants you to, she will try to shame you into it by attacking your masculinity. It's selfish, unkind and childishly, transparently manipulative. Stupid, selfish, childish women are not worth keeping in your life.

#37

Driving a Ford Focus.

#38

Girl in high school told me once if I didn’t drink or smoke I wasn’t a real man. A teacher she liked (they were both Vietnamese and he had been helping her with adjusting to Canada) intervened and said that taking care of your health is what a real man would do….

#39

I get called girly by women all the time because I take care of myself like crazy. I have a skincare routine, I go to the spa, I get manicures, grooming on point. Dressing on point. I pamper myself. I like the finer things in life.

I guess I'm pretty metro, but I'm good looking and very clean cut. They learn to love it and always come back for more. So whatever bruh, call me girly all you want.

#40

I wasn't a real man because she saw I had this ["girly" song](https://youtu.be/ViB4IR-7mtk?si=WbyexS9BHRsAX4hI) in my YouTube history when we were just chillin watching random funny clips.

"Seriously? Hard men don't listen to girly s**t like this lololol" That was her reaction upon listening to it when she wanted to hear it out of curiosity. Killed the vibe for me. I stopped talking to her after that.

Yea I do listen to rap 95% of the time but I get bored of that s**t sometimes. Different types of music can move me.

#41

Not making a move or trying to have sex with her while she was drunk. She called me gay and lame lol.

#42

Either:

- Once my grandma said I “wasn’t a real man” because I was crying and “boys don’t cry”. Lady I had a whole surgery…

- Someone I knew said I “wasn’t a real man” because I couldn’t lift them up, so apparently I couldn’t “protect” them at night.

#43

Not me, but I remember one time a woman was talking about how "guys who change a tire with gloves on are pussies." Spoken like someone who had never changed a tire and scraped their knuckles on asphalt lol.

#44

I told a girl I wanted to stay at my 5'8 and 140lb lean build given I'm a competitive marathon runner. She said a real guy would be trying to bulk up and be as big as possible.