The Invisible Threads Of Love And How Emotional Patterns Shape Your Relationships

Written by Reeza Thomson, Psychologist | Mindset Transformation Coach

Reeza Thomson is a highly experienced psychologist and mindset transformation coach with a mission to help individuals break free from limiting beliefs, overcome life’s challenges, and unlock their full potential.

Love is a labyrinth, and we are all wanderers searching for the centre. Yet so many of us find ourselves lost, retracing the same steps, bumping into the same walls, and wondering why we keep ending up in the same place. As a psychologist and relationships coach with vast experience, I have come to see that the Emotional Patterns we follow in love are often invisible threads woven into the fabric of our earliest experiences. These threads pull us toward certain partners, certain conflicts, and certain outcomes, often without us even realizing it.

Imagine standing in a crowded room, surrounded by people, yet feeling utterly invisible. You smile, you engage, you give your all, but deep down, there is a gnawing voice that whispers, “Nobody chooses me.” It is a pain so familiar, so deeply etched into your psyche, that it feels like a part of you. The natural reaction in that case could be feeling that you are doing something wrong, not doing enough, or that you are just boring, not good looking enough, etc., so you need to try harder in order to be noticed. If this resonates, you are not alone.

As a psychologist and relationships coach, I have spent years working with individuals who carry this invisible burden. It is one of the most pervasive and painful issues I encounter in therapy, and today, we are going to unpack it together.

Let me tell you a story. A few months ago, a client, let’s call her Rachel, came to me frustrated and heartbroken. At 34, she had been in three serious relationships, all of which ended in the same way. Her partner would grow distant, she would cling tighter, and eventually, they would leave.

“Why does this keep happening to me?” she asked, her voice trembling. “Am I just unlucky in love?”

Rachel’s story is not unique. In fact, it is a pattern I have seen countless times. But here is the twist. It is not about luck. It is about the invisible threads.

The science of emotional patterns

From the moment we are born, our brains are like sponges, soaking up every interaction, every emotional cue, and every relational dynamic. These experiences form what psychologists call “attachment styles,” blueprints for how we connect with others. If your caregivers were consistently responsive and nurturing, you likely developed a secure attachment style. But if they were inconsistent, distant, or overly critical, you might have developed an anxious or avoidant style.

The belief that “nobody chooses me” often stems from childhood, where our earliest experiences of love and connection shape our relational blueprint. Let’s start with a common scenario: sibling dynamics. Picture this, a child is born, the centre of their parents’ universe. Every cry is answered, every need met. But then a sibling arrives. Suddenly, the spotlight shifts. The older child, once the sole focus of attention, now feels sidelined. Even in families where parents strive to be fair, the older child may internalize a sense of neglect, a feeling of being “unchosen.” This early wound can ripple into adulthood, manifesting as a pattern of seeking partners who are emotionally unavailable, just as the parents once were.

But it doesn’t stop there. For many, the roots of this belief go even deeper, tangled in the relationship with a parent, often the father. It’s important to note that until around the age of 21, a person’s psyche is still developing. In a way, everyone is still a child until they reach that age. A girl who grows up with an absent or emotionally distant father may internalize the belief that she is unworthy of love. If her mother fails to model healthy relationships, she may enter adulthood with no template for what love should look like. This sets the stage for a lifetime of choosing partners who reinforce her deepest fear: “I’m not good enough to be chosen.”

Rachel, for example, grew up with both parents, but they divorced when she was 14. Her mother was loving but emotionally unpredictable. One day, she was warm and attentive, the next, she was cold and withdrawn. As a child, Rachel learned to cling tightly to her mother’s affection, fearing it might disappear at any moment. Fast forward to adulthood, and she was replaying the same script in her romantic relationships. Her fear of abandonment was like an invisible thread, pulling her toward partners who were emotionally unavailable, and then pulling her to cling even harder when they pulled away.

Rachel’s father remarried and could not spend as much time with her as he used to before, so subconsciously, she felt that her dad had left her.

The biology of brokenness: Why we crave what hurts us

Here’s where it gets even more fascinating and heartbreaking. Our brains, in their infinite complexity, can become addicted to the very pain we seek to escape. When we grow up in environments where love is inconsistent or conditional, our bodies adapt by producing stress hormones like cortisol and pleasure hormones like beta-endorphins. Over time, we become wired to associate love with drama, conflict, and pain. Consciously, we hate the chaos, but unconsciously, we crave it. It is why so many of us find ourselves drawn to partners who are emotionally unavailable, unfaithful, or even abusive. The rollercoaster of highs and lows becomes our twisted version of “normal.”

The trap of trauma work: Why healing the past isn’t always enough

Many therapists will tell you that healing begins with addressing childhood trauma. While this is true, it is not the whole story. I have worked with clients who have spent years in therapy, unpacking their past, reconciling with their parents, and healing their inner child, only to find themselves stuck in the same relational patterns. Why? Because while understanding the past is crucial, it does not automatically change the present. The belief that “nobody chooses me” is not just a memory; it is a living, breathing script that plays out in your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours every single day.

Rewriting the script: From “nobody chooses me” to “I choose myself”

So how do we break free? The answer lies in rewriting your internal script. Instead of waiting for someone to choose you, you must learn to choose yourself. This is not about selfishness or isolation; it is about self-sufficiency. It is about recognizing that your worth is not determined by someone else’s attention or approval.

In my practice, I take a radically different approach to this work. Rather than endlessly revisiting past trauma, I focus on transforming the thought patterns that keep you stuck. Our thoughts drive our emotions, and our emotions drive our behaviours. If you want to change your relationships, you must first change your thinking.

1. Rewire your thoughts

We start by identifying and dismantling the cognitive distortions that reinforce the belief that you are unworthy. Thoughts like “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll always be alone” are not facts; they are stories you have been telling yourself for years. Together, we will challenge these narratives and replace them with empowering truths.

When Rachel and I began working together, we mapped out her relationship history, identifying the recurring themes. She was shocked to see how clearly her childhood dynamics were mirrored in her adult relationships. “It’s like I’ve been chasing the same person over and over again,” she said.

But awareness alone is not enough. The next step is rewiring. Through a combination of cognitive-behavioural techniques and emotionally focused therapy, Rachel began to challenge her deeply ingrained beliefs. She learned to recognize when her fear of abandonment was triggered and to respond in healthier ways. Instead of clinging, she practiced self-soothing and open communication. Slowly but surely, she began to break free from the invisible threads that had been holding her back.

2. Master emotional regulation

Next, we work on emotional regulation. When you are no longer dependent on external validation, you can approach relationships from a place of strength, not desperation. You will learn tools to manage anxiety, soothe yourself during moments of rejection, and cultivate inner peace.

You have probably promised yourself in the past not to settle for anything less than what you deserve, so you know that just making a promise does not work. This time, you will actually do it, without old promises and endless overthinking. This will become your default way of valuing yourself.

3. Build healthy behavioural strategies – The power of secure love

Finally, we focus on action. You will learn how to set boundaries, communicate your needs, and make choices that align with your values. This is where the magic happens, where you stop repeating old patterns and start creating new, healthier dynamics.

The ultimate goal is to move toward what I call “secure love,” a relationship where both partners feel safe, valued, and free to be themselves. Secure love is not about perfection; it is about resilience. It is about knowing that even when conflicts arise, you have the tools to navigate them together.

For Rachel, the journey was not easy, but it was transformative. Today, she is in a relationship with someone who is emotionally available and responsive. They still have their ups and downs, but Rachel no longer feels like she is trapped in a cycle of fear and frustration.

“I finally feel like I’m in control of my own story,” she told me recently.

Your story awaits

If Rachel’s story resonates with you, know this: you are not doomed to repeat the past. The invisible threads that shape your relationships can be rewoven, but it takes courage, curiosity, and the willingness to look inward. As a psychologist and relationships coach, my role is to guide you through that process, to help you untangle the threads, understand their origins, and create new patterns that lead to the love you deserve.

And here is another twist. As mentioned in my previous articles, you do not have to spend years on this process. Just a few months is all you need.

So if you are ready to take the first step, I invite you to reach out. Let’s explore your story together. Because every relationship is a narrative, and you have the power to rewrite yours.

Call to action

Are you ready to unravel the invisible threads in your relationships? Contact me today for a consultation, and let’s start crafting a love story that is truly your own. Your journey to secure love begins here.

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Read more from Reeza Thomson

Reeza Thomson, Psychologist | Mindset Transformation Coach

Reeza Thomson is an expert in modern psychology, mental fitness, and mindset transformation, with a life story shaped by resilience and determination. Overcoming childhood trauma, poverty, and various forms of abuse, she built three successful careers by the age of 42 through relentless perseverance and self-transformation. After struggling with years of traditional therapy that didn’t offer lasting solutions, Reeza now has her own practical, research-based methodology to help people heal from emotional wounds and shift limiting mindsets in just months.