Q&a With Dr. Laurie: Building Confidence After 50

Building Confidence

Q: Hi. I’m a woman in my 60’s and I’ve been divorced for a few years. I’ve had a couple of great relationships in that time and one not-so-good one that I am in the process of getting over. Like many people my age, my body isn’t what it used to be. I also have dentures that I take out at night. Most men I have dated were totally accepting of this, but my most recent ex-boyfriend was not. The entire time we were together, I never felt like he was attracted to me. He never spoke favorably of me once. During our relationship, I lost a lot of my confidence in myself and I have no idea how to get it back now that I have to face dating and potentially having sex with a new person.

A: First of all, clearly that last guy was a jerk! Don’t let one guy have that much power to make you feel bad about yourself. Clearly, you have had some very positive experiences with men who accept you as you are. Hold on to those memories instead of letting one bad apple spoil the rest. What is the lesson here? If you can take away something from this latest relationship to help you make better choices in the future, then all is not lost! Pay attention to the red flags early on, and don’t assume they will all go away. The fact that he was never complimentary toward you is a big red flag. You deserve to feel special and loved, so when someone doesn’t do that for you, you need to move on.

Dating After 50

Q: Hi Dr. Laurie. I’m dating again as a guy in his 50’s after a divorce. Obviously, I am out of practice and the “rules” have changed since I was last single. It seems like the people I am dating are more prone to following these rules, which I am completely out of touch with. Like, when I called a woman after a date to thank her for her time and say that I enjoyed myself, she ignored the call and then didn’t contact me for four days. She told me she always waits that long to pick up the phone after a first date. She accepted a second date, though, so I guess she was playing hard to get? It all seems a little silly to me.

Everyone seems to be following the same playbook, and I don’t know the rules—and frankly, I’d just prefer to be honest. Do you have any advice for cutting through all the games that people play?

A: I’m totally with you on the game playing! There is no need to change yourself. I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules to dating, and honesty is refreshing. You need to find a partner who feels like you do and also does not want to play games. Maybe this is a good way to weed out the women who would not be compatible with you? Bottom line: Be yourself!